her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
