so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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