he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
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Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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