I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
