I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
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It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
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Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Come on in and take your pants off
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