Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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