i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
