i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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