First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
