Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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