I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
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He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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