My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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