dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
