The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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