dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work