Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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