I didn't shave. On purpose
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
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You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
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I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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