DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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