this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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