when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
