Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
