I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
