I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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