If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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