shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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