Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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