Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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