please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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