saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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