of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
