...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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