Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
