But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize