saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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