Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
