i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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