she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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