My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
