I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
