I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
