Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just gargled with NyQuil
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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