Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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