Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
