In the future we'll all be gay
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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