does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
