There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
