i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
