there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
