I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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