Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
