I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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