he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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