If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
