Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
