GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
