i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
