I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
