bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
